texts from last night

[preternaturalist]

y'all know what to do

Comments

[naneunyulyeongibnida]

1. I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys up or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
2. Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
3. Hey, sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night. I was actually just checking you had a pulse.
4. I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.

4

[icywhatudidthere]

Maybe if you freeze it, it'll taste more like ice cream.

[gwisinbang]

1. i mean, as i was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix i became acutely aware of my poor choices
2. just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when i poop." send help.
3. can't walk home still drunk with a sombrero full of baby chickens
4. did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby

1

[muskeg]

Okay but, uh, why were you in front of a giant crucifix? Did you vomit into the tabernacle of a fucking church?!

[uncleanspirit]

1. Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
2. Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
3. . Have fuck

*fun

actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
4. She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.

3

[ifelonyou]

That seems to be implying that I don't get any already.

1

[unchangeling]

Somehow I'm not surprised. On either count.

3

[nunchii]

... I'm going to the grocery store to get coffee, what kind of fucking life do you think I live?

I'm not you, damnit.

[preternaturalist]

1. Sorry for trying to baptize you last night.
2. Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
3. There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
4. Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.

1

[muskeg]

You owe me so much sushi. SO. MUCH. SUSHI.

3

[scions]

in my defense, his fault for challenging me to a duel

[diggingupdirt]

1. So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
2. I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
3. Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
4. Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident

4

[thepussywhisperer]

You're welcome, even it it meant losing out on getting a girl's number.

[scions]

1. he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD-soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.

2. I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?

3. You know the Force is losing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor.

4. you tried to drunkenly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen

1.

[diggingupdirt]

...How

Wait, no, I'm kinda too scared to ask.

[diagnosticate]

1. If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom

2. You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock

3. You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.

4. is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?

2

[ifelonyou]

And did the alarm clock scream back?

3

[icywhatudidthere]

I don't think I should be trying to drink that again anytime soon.

...nobody caught that on video, right?

1.

[naneunyulyeongibnida]

OK, but why in the restroom/

[downfalling]

1. Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table

2. In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.

3. Can I get my morals surgically removed?

4. It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.

1

[muskeg]

Why are you telling me this? I thought we established that I don't care?

1.

[uncleanspirit]

Tell me the pool table was in the middle of a pool hall.

[icywhatudidthere]

1. Then you guys just all showered together...?

2. At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz

3. You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.

4. Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.

5. As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.

4

[interposal]

Do you need me to come get you? I feel that's what you're trying to say here.

[acrobaticdeer]

1. A: I miss you.
B: Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
2. I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
3. She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love..
4. Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?

2.

[gwisinbang]

ok but if you don't fit in an uber how are you gonna fit in my car

omg this isn't an issue of fit is it